in the spirit of Amanda’s recent visit to the NYC, I decided I should write a subway rider’s guide for visitors.

First a few general observations:
1. While the first and last subway cars are generally less crowded, you always run the risk of running into a smelly homeless guy. If you are unfamiliar with the homeless, they can smell up an entire car (no joke).
2. If it is rush hour and you are not in a particular hurry, there is no reason to cram into a crowded train. The next train more than likely will be empty.
3. Yes, trains are gross, but if you are unfamiliar with the subway line hold on to something. Otherwise when it suddenly moves you will run into a stranger, which is almost worse than touching the handrail.
4. Shut the fuck up. Seriously. Yes, it is a giant train, but the people you are talking to are still RIGHT NEXT TO YOU. Unless Jason Voorhees (Jason from Friday the 13th) is on the train, no one gives a fuck.
5. Don’t look beggars in they eye. Gawk at them as they walk away like everyone else. They consider eye contact a desire to be bothered more.
6. Buying anything on the subway is asking to get swindled.
7. If you have a seat, offer it to anyone who gets on the train that is handicapped, pregnant, or old. It’s just nice.
8. Offering your seat to a hot girl does not mean she wants to hear you talk about yourself and how different the city is from New Jersey. And I don’t either - see number 4.
9. Girls - don’t accept a seat from a skeezy guy unless you want to torture yourself and everyone else on the train with his banal shtick.
10. It’s ok to people watch until they make eye contact with you. Then it’s only polite to find someone else to stare at until they are off guard again. Then it’s ok to start staring again.

The rules for picking a spot on the subway:
1. First and foremost: smell. If the car smells when you walk in, IMMEDIATELY find another car. The smell will only get worse.
2. In the summer, make sure the AC works. Key giveaways (besides the mugginess) are open windows.
3. Look for homeless people and get as far away as possible from them. Consider switching cars or waiting for the next train, if you aren’t in a hurry.
4. For seats, urinal rules apply; always sit as far as possible from the next person. You aren’t going to make friends with a stranger, so stay the hell away from them.
5. If you must stand, your goal should be to minimize contact with strangers. If that isn’t your priority, I have no idea why you are reading this. On a relatively empty car, minimum contact spot will be standing in the doorway opposite the platform side. Runner up would be the platform side of the door, as long as you move when people are getting on/off the train. Side benefit - you can just lean against the door instead of touching the handrail.
6. On a crowded train, the minimum contact will be 1/3rd and 2/3rd through the train. These are also the farthest spots from the exits. Note, you will have to make contact to get in out of this position.

A couple closing thoughts:
If you have selected someone to peoplewatch, try to position them between you and the subway map. this gives you a great reason to stare and if you need a closer look at them you can just go read the map.
I forgot to mention before, but on a uncrowded train, if you happen to get a seat, make yourself big to discourage others from sitting. don’t be obnoxious about it, but try something like setting your bag down next to you or practice your foot-tapper impression.

good luck and don’t touch anything.

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