While in DFW visiting Jim and Adrienne, we had the unfortunate luck of running into a youth group at a restaurant on Sunday afternoon. They were the most obnoxious bunch I’ve ever seen, but I knew exactly what to expect from them. Adrienne was not so lucky, I guess she had never experienced them on the level that I have. So I thought I should write down the personality types for her future reference.

The “Cool” Guy – He is the guy that can play guitar. He wears the trendy clothes like the real cool kids at school, but sings songs about how much he loves God. The housewives at church secretly want their daughters to fuck him so they can live vicariously through them.

The Alpha Male – Easy to spot with wardrobe of I love Jesus t-stirts, he is generally short in stature but makes up for it with his obnoxiously loud voice and spastic antics. In terms of sheer annoyance, he is only matched by the Alpha Female.

The Quiet Boyfriend – He’s been dating the Church Lovin’ Girl since like first grade and just continues to show up because he thinks he will eventually graduate from hand-holding to sex. He’ll likely marry her when they turn 18 because he wants it so bad. He’s going to be sorely disappointed.

The Gay Guy – Easy to spot because he’s the one with a girl on each arm. He’s super-gay but continues to believe that church can fix him. The church girls love him because he’s so easy to talk to and will revel in the fact that they used to hang out with “one of those gays”, but will totally turn their backs on him when he comes out of the closet his sophomore year of college.

The Rebel Girl – She dresses like the cool kids and hates church but continues to show up to events for one of the following reasons: her best friend is super into church, her parents would give her a ton of hell if she stopped going, or she has managed to corrupt one of the church boys and they have sex/do drugs in church on a regular basis.

The Quiet Girl – Already dressing the part of the non-sexy librarian, she is difficult to spot because most the time you won’t even notice her since she almost never speaks. She’ll develop an uncomfortable relationship with her 15 cats when she’s 50 and still single.

The Alpha Female – She’s the most religious of all and has no qualms about telling you so at any moment. She is impossible to miss because her voice is piercing even when she speaks in a normal tone. You can never have a conversation because she won’t let you get a word in and if you do happen to you can rest assured she isn’t listening to you.

The Church Lovin’ Girl – She loves God, plain and simple. she’s easy to spot with her homemade WWJD bracelet and tons of other Jesus paraphernalia. If she is abnormally hot for the church crowd, she surely has a long-term boyfriend that she’s been dating since first grade, but she wants to save herself until marriage. She’ll either marry her high school sweetheart or turn into a crack whore by the time she’s 19.

Youth Minister Guy – You can’t miss the “adult” in the group. Most of the time, he’s going to be the mid-30s guy using hip slang from 5 years ago. He has a myspace page so he can “keep an eye” on the kids in the youth group and will likely be featured on an episode of “To Catch a Predator”. He lives by Wooderson’s quote from Dazed and Confused: “That’s what I love about these high school girls, man. I get older, they stay the same age.” He’ll be the Church Lovin’ Girl’s first customer when she breaks up with her boyfriend.

Yeah, yeah. I’m going to hell. Whatever.