I wouldn’t say I’m a crazy germaphobe, but I find the majority of touching to be awkward. But I do find germaphobes in New York to be absolutely absurd. This is the dirtiest, most overcrowded city in the United States. Not exactly the best place for a germaphobe. I’ve seen them ride the subway. They carry napkins to keep from having to physically touch anything. I often wonder if they burn their shoes at the end of every day because the shit (literally) you step on every day in New York is a new level of disgusting. It’s a combination of the disgusting trash left all over the city, whatever the hell is coming out of the homeless people in the city, dog shit left behind by the snotty assholes who don’t pick up after their tortured pets, and vomit from the million or so non-homeless people that get tanked in the city every night.

Today I had the most disgusting thing happen to me. A homeless man touched me. Not in the “point to where he touched you on the doll” kind of way, but it was still disgusting nonetheless. I was on the subway between the 42nd and 33rd street stops when the subway takes a turn. I was sitting by the door and at that instant to homeless guys came through the door (the one between the cars). As the subway turned they both fell into the empty bench next to me, pinning me to my seat against the wall. It was a good fifteen seconds of this atrocity. I immediately came home and showered. Twice.

It got me to thinking though. I was recently in the DFW airport rushing to my gate when I accidentally touched a woman in a full Burka. I bet she felt the same way.