IBuyUglySouls: hey fucker
me: what’s up asshole? I’m in the middle of something
IBuyUglySouls: check your mail
me: why?
IBuyUglySouls: i sent you something. you’re going to luv it
me: “luv” it? Seriously? I didn’t think the ‘Prince of Darkness’ was a pre-teen.
IBuyUglySouls: no, for real. check your mail
me: alright. hold on.
me: fuck. the ipod nano? Isn’t this going to steal my soul?
IBuyUglySouls: no, that’s the beauty of it. it doesn’t steal your soul. it slowly eats away at it until there is nothing left to steal. then by the time you realize it’s gone, i’ve already shipped it to china in unmarked storage containers. you’ll never get it back.
me: so you’re telling me that I’ll lose my soul if I use this ipod.
IBuyUglySouls: yea. and the icing on the cake is that once your soul is gone, you’ll start buying more expensive apple products. ive already picked out a cute little laptop for you to lug around town to entertain yourself while you’re at the coffee shop.
me: I don’t drink coffee
IBuyUglySouls: oh yeah, I forgot. when you don’t have a soul your body can’t survive unless you have ten super-grande-venti double-espresso-triple-mocha-jamocha-latte-crappacinos per day. why do you think there are so many starbucks locations?
me: right, I forgot.
IBuyUglySouls: well, enjoy. and I hope you feel better after that round of Irish carbombs last week
me: MOTHERFUCKER! I should have known you were behind that bullshit. That was the worst vomiting episode I’ve had in years!
IBuyUglySouls: hil-arious
me: Yeah, I bet it was pretty funny to watch.
IBuyUglySouls is Away.
IBuyUglySouls is Online.
IBuyUglySouls: One more thing - how about that port security bill? I thought you’d enjoy that one.
me: right-o. fuck you.
IBuyUglySouls is Offline.

---

That’s right. Hollywood Poker came through and sent me the ipod nano I slaved away at their tables for 30 days to win. I don’t have all the statistics with me, but my winning rate was probably close to minimum wage (and that’s including the price of the nano). Disappointing. I would recommend Hollywood Poker to you, but in accordance with the safeport act, Hollywood is planning on suspending play from the US within the next 30 days. Booooo. I’ll let you know when I order that sweet p-p-p-powerbook.