Have you ever heard of ninjitsu?

I just watched American Ninja for the first time in years. Spectacular. What makes this movie so great? I’ll start with some sample dialog:

Army Colonel: Jackson! Have you had a chance to check the wounds?
Stereotypical Black Army Guy: Yes sir, I have.
AC: Well, what is it?
SBAG: Have you ever heard of ninjitsu, sir?
AC: What’s that?
SBAG: The secret art of asassination.
AC: Yeah, of course I have!
SBAG: Well according to witness testimony and evidence, this massacre was the work of ninjas.
AC: ninjas? hm.

If that doesn’t convince you, my timely review of the movie will:

“An American Ninja? What are you talking about? There is no such thing!”

Implausible as it may sound, this movie revolves entirely around the life of an American Ninja. Can you believe it? Everyone knows it is punishable by death for a ninja to teach his secrets to Westerners. But, Sam Firstenberg, director of “Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo”, crafts a convincing backstory to explain how this American Ninja came to be.

American Ninja centers around Joe (Michael Dudikoff), a man with no past who was discovered with complete amnesia as a child on an island in the Pacific by a construction crew. Before being found on the island and returned to America, Joe was befriended by a stranded Japanese soldier (played by John Fujioka, who would later show of his ninja skills once again in Mortal Kombat) who taught him the ways of the ninja. But this isn’t just a simple action movie about ninjas. Set in the Philippines, the action and social commentary quickly get underway when rebels attack Joe’s U.S. Army convoy. Rebel attacks in the Philippines are still a problem today (see Cavite). You quickly learn that the rebels are being led by a mysterious businessman who also has a team of ninjas working for him!

I don’t want to give away the whole story, but in less than two hours this movie comments on the rampant problems that U.S. soldiers have with ninjas, corruption within the U.S. Army, the disproportionately large number of southerners in high-ranking military positions, the ineffectiveness of machine guns, Hispanic people buying WMDs on the black market, and most importantly – the need for a black supporting actor to balance out a movie.

Fresh off of his rousing performance as a hospital intern in Mask, Steve James paves the for black buddy actors Louis Gossett Jr. and Danny Glover as Joe’s rival-turned-buddy after he challenges Joe to a fight and gets his ass kicked in front of everyone. Even the action sequences have an underlying message. Rather than spend money on expensive fight choreographers, Firstenberg opts to use the same play-fight choreography you used as a kid when you pretended to be a ninja, driving home the point that you look like an idiot when you pretend to be a ninja and you should stop trying. Judie Aronson is somewhat forgettable as Patricia, the unnecessary love interest who also happens to be the Colonel’s daughter. Patricia’s awkward delivery meshes well with her unnecessary lines and inappropriate screams. She does, however, manage to keep her clothes on for the entire movie at a time when all action movies required T&A or at least a little T.

Overall, the movie manages to cover too much ground in a very short time by cutting dialog down to a minimum and using abrupt scene changes to rush you through the loose plot without having to sit there forever. All of this is accomplished AND there are still points that are so slow that your mind wanders, giving you time to reflect on your day rather than being constantly bombarded by a movie. It’s no surprise that story writer Gideon Amir turned down all other writing offers for the rest of his career to focus on American Ninja 2 & 3. Though unfortunate that Amir was too exhausted by American Ninja 3 to participate in parts 4 and 5, he gave us the epic American Ninja Trilogy, and we should be thankful for that.

Rating: 3.5 stars out of 5
(Watch the trailer)

Oh yeah and Austin peoples: study up on this. I’m going to be making references to this movie for weeks, which includes the Nov. 10th-12th weekend when I will be in Austin once again.


Eat healthy

A greasy deli that i eat at somewhat regularly was shut down by the health department. Which is worse- that i was pretty sure they should be shut down and still ate there, or that i will continue to eat there after they have appeased the health department and in back to their old unsanitary ways?


Conversation with the devil

IBuyUglySouls: hey fucker
me: what’s up asshole? I’m in the middle of something
IBuyUglySouls: check your mail
me: why?
IBuyUglySouls: i sent you something. you’re going to luv it
me: “luv” it? Seriously? I didn’t think the ‘Prince of Darkness’ was a pre-teen.
IBuyUglySouls: no, for real. check your mail
me: alright. hold on.
me: fuck. the ipod nano? Isn’t this going to steal my soul?
IBuyUglySouls: no, that’s the beauty of it. it doesn’t steal your soul. it slowly eats away at it until there is nothing left to steal. then by the time you realize it’s gone, i’ve already shipped it to china in unmarked storage containers. you’ll never get it back.
me: so you’re telling me that I’ll lose my soul if I use this ipod.
IBuyUglySouls: yea. and the icing on the cake is that once your soul is gone, you’ll start buying more expensive apple products. ive already picked out a cute little laptop for you to lug around town to entertain yourself while you’re at the coffee shop.
me: I don’t drink coffee
IBuyUglySouls: oh yeah, I forgot. when you don’t have a soul your body can’t survive unless you have ten super-grande-venti double-espresso-triple-mocha-jamocha-latte-crappacinos per day. why do you think there are so many starbucks locations?
me: right, I forgot.
IBuyUglySouls: well, enjoy. and I hope you feel better after that round of Irish carbombs last week
me: MOTHERFUCKER! I should have known you were behind that bullshit. That was the worst vomiting episode I’ve had in years!
IBuyUglySouls: hil-arious
me: Yeah, I bet it was pretty funny to watch.
IBuyUglySouls is Away.
IBuyUglySouls is Online.
IBuyUglySouls: One more thing – how about that port security bill? I thought you’d enjoy that one.
me: right-o. fuck you.
IBuyUglySouls is Offline.


That’s right. Hollywood Poker came through and sent me the ipod nano I slaved away at their tables for 30 days to win. I don’t have all the statistics with me, but my winning rate was probably close to minimum wage (and that’s including the price of the nano). Disappointing. I would recommend Hollywood Poker to you, but in accordance with the safeport act, Hollywood is planning on suspending play from the US within the next 30 days. Booooo. I’ll let you know when I order that sweet p-p-p-powerbook.


Just the important stuff

I’ve been meaning to write about a ton of stuff, but this is a busy few weeks and I have a lot of stuff to do, so I’m not going to get to everything just yet. I could talk about soccer, or ACL, or the Boathouse party, or Wired NextFest, or The Intrepid (the boat, not the kick-ass automobile), but instead I have a matter of great importance to discuss.

I saw Buffalo Bill walking down the street. All that was missing was American Girl and a “great big fat person”. This guy walking down the street looked exactly like Jame Gumb. He was talking to himself too, which just made it even better. I looked for dead bodies as I passed all the entryways and alleys on my way home, just in case I could get in on a real-life Law & Order episode. No luck though. Now I need to watch the Greenskeepers video again, just for nostalgia’s sake.

(oh yeah, and holy fuck the Captain from Monk is Buffalo Bill? Monk has never been so creepy to me)