Business cards serve two functions: 1) To prove to other business people that you are a legitimate employee of a company¹ and 2) To serve as a cheesy parting gift to go along with the cheesy pickup line you used at that awesome happy hour when you were wearing your favorite striped shirt.

I just got my new business cards in the mail and they have a little extra something to help out with both purposes. First, they are obnoxiously orange (the back is at least). It hurts your eyes if you stare at them for too long. This business card will stand out in a sea of business cards. I think it’s time to start putting my cards in those free weekly drawing fish bowls. Mine is so bright it would have to get chosen.

The second feature is really the best. On the back of my business cards they have one of six different business slogans. Of course, whoever was in charge of coming up with these slogans has a tremendous sense of humor and came up with slogans that could serve well as cheesy pickup lines. Here’s my top three²:

1. GO FURTHER FASTER
2. SUPREME SERVICE
3. EXPERTISE BEYOND EXPECTATION

They read even better as fortune cookies.

¹ Some might argue that business cards are a useful way of trading information as opposed to having to write someone’s phone number down. Don’t buy it. I’m more likely to throw away a business card than I am someone’s information that I’ve jotted down myself.
² Yes, they are in all caps on the business cards. The bright orange isn’t enough, we’ve got to send the message home.