You’ve seen the commercials for Axe body spray, but who would believe that it really works? The other day I was waiting in line at the local HEB when I noticed that the latino in front of me (you know, one of my peeps) only had two items: Axe body spray and diapers. I struck up a conversation with him that went something like this:

Me: “Yo yo, why you buying that shit if you’ve already gots a baby?” (because that’s how I talk)
Homie: “Naw bro, I ain’t go no kids. I just buy the diapers because I bang so many chicks when I’m wearing this Axe body spray that I can’t keep up with them. So after I’m done bangin’ her I leave her one of these diapers with a note that says, ‘You aight baby, but you goin’ ta need these in about nine months.”

With a testimonial like that, I had to buy some. I didn’t want to put it on in the store though because Kat and I had plans for the night and I didn’t want any bitches slowing me down. I had it all planned out. I sprayed the Axe all over the entryway and then sprayed a trail leading back to the bedroom. According to the commercial, Kat would be unable to resist. I was slightly afraid of using too much and ending up like that prostitute at the end of Love Potion Number 9, but I didn’t want to use too little either. I just used my best judgment and my expert wafting skills from chemistry lab.

As I waited in the bedroom, I heard Kat open the front door. “Jesus Christ! Did a cow take a shit in here?!?” I figured I probably just used too much; it’ll still be alright. By the time she got to the bedroom door she had this look on her face:

“What the fuck happened in here?” It was hopeless, the Axe had no effect. I explained the whole situation and Kat made fun of me for falling for advertising campaigns. Then we started the difficult chore of getting rid of the smell. We tried everything: Air fresheners, febreeze, scented candles, I even tried spraying tomato juice all over the walls after recalling that episode of the Brady Bunch where the whole family gets sprayed by a skunk (remember that one?). All attempts failed. Eventually we had to burn the house down.

After thinking about it some more, maybe Axe just doesn’t work on whiteys. I’ll have to try it next time we go to the tejano bar. I’m sure it’ll work just like in the commercial.